December 21st, 2016-
I woke up in the early hours of the morning; it was still dark and the sun hadn’t risen yet. Like most early mornings, my body was stiff and sore, my limbs and lips were cold and numb. My eye lids were heavy, and I had the faintest bit of nausea. My mother said, Come on! We’ve got to get going.
So we drove to the hospital for my knee surgery. I was getting surgery on my left knee. My right knee throbbed from its recent injury. I went through the motions, hardly in a good mood because it was early and I was getting surgery. My nurse anesthetist gave me something for anxiety so that, when I struggle to remember being wheeled to the operating room, I can now remember nothing.
Fast forward through the boring details of the hospital– my good friend came along to help take care of me for the first few critical days. I was in and out of consciousness, I couldn’t remember or stay awake through any of the movies I watched.
Things and sensations began to fade around me. I became automatic and numb. Day to day, I went through moods of endless anger. Sometimes I cried unprompted and profusely. It was like there was a film over my eyes, so that everything seemed dream-like.
I went through a mental battle- a battle to stay awake and remember that my life was only suspended, not over.
Staying indoors at all hours caused me to become pale and very weak.
Only in recent days, as I’ve begun taking less and less medication, sensations have begun to return to me. These senses return which I did not realize I have lost.
Salivation upon teeth brushing, the tightening at my jaw. The sensation of wind cooling my skin. Control over my balance and ability to type. The shaking gone from my hands and fingertips. Taste of food. I hadn’t realized how shut off I had become.
It was only when I drank a regular Cola, that I realized I was able to enjoy its mere sweetness.
As my grandfather pushed me down the road in my wheelchair, it brought tears to my eyes, feeling the cool wind and seeing how beautiful the overcast sky was. I breathed deeply into the fresh air- the deeper I breathed, the more tears came to my eyes. So, I guess you could say…
I’m finally waking up.
Sarah Means Princess 