Waking Up

 

December 21st, 2016-

I woke up in the early hours of the morning; it was still dark and the sun hadn’t risen yet. Like most early mornings, my body was stiff and sore, my limbs and lips were cold and numb. My eye lids were heavy, and I had the faintest bit of nausea. My mother said, Come on! We’ve got to get going. 

So we drove to the hospital for my knee surgery. I was getting surgery on my left knee. My right knee throbbed from its recent injury. I went through the motions, hardly in a good mood because it was early and I was getting surgery. My nurse anesthetist gave me something for anxiety so that, when I struggle to remember being wheeled to the operating room, I can now remember nothing.

Fast forward through the boring details of the hospital– my good friend came along to help take care of me for the first few critical days. I was in and out of consciousness, I couldn’t remember or stay awake through any of the movies I watched.

Things and sensations began to fade around me. I became automatic and numb. Day to day, I went through moods of endless anger. Sometimes I cried unprompted and profusely. It was like there was a film over my eyes, so that everything seemed dream-like.

I went through a mental battle- a battle to stay awake and remember that my life was only suspended, not over.

Staying indoors at all hours caused me to become pale and very weak.

Only in recent days, as I’ve begun taking less and less medication, sensations have begun to return to me. These senses return which I did not realize I have lost.

Salivation upon teeth brushing, the tightening at my jaw. The sensation of wind cooling my skin. Control over my balance and ability to type. The shaking gone from my hands and fingertips. Taste of food. I hadn’t realized how shut off I had become.

It was only when I drank a regular Cola, that I realized I was able to enjoy its mere sweetness.

As my grandfather pushed me down the road in my wheelchair, it brought tears to my eyes, feeling the cool wind and seeing how beautiful the overcast sky was. I breathed deeply into the fresh air- the deeper I breathed, the more tears came to my eyes. So, I guess you could say…

I’m finally waking up. 

Fall in Flagstaff- 2016

What does this new & matured fall bring?

It’s gritty- in the outline of empty branches against a pale blue sky.

It’s sparkling- in the pastel washes of shimmering clouds on the sunset.

It’s dark & brooding- the cold, metal train tracks with a locomotive making its way around the hill of Flagstaff.

It’s bitter- in the various forms, drafts, soaks, beans, tastes of coffee. I’ve spent countless hours this semester with my darling Chase. Though our time together is waning, the everlasting effects of a shared love of coffee are not.

It’s colourful- in the gorgeous hues of trees, leaves on the ground, crumbling and crusty.

It’s vibrant- in the reflective surface of the sidewalk across campus, which is comfortably settled amongst high trees, pastel roofs, steaming chimneys and black shadows of small college students crossing campus.

We’ve from October to November- it is that sacred time of year again where I can indulge safely in scarves, neutral socks and blankets. Pumpkin spice is our candle flavor of choice — and I’ve spent a good amount of time cooking in the kitchen. 

Looking in wonder at my future. Will I leave Flagstaff? Most likely; the decisions I have to make are piling on my plate. But nothing is going to stop me from enjoying everything so immensely.

Like his beating heart [I won’t say his name]. The blonde hairs of his forearm.

The earthy, ridiculous nature of her laugh. Her dyed hair, and how she squeezes my arm, rubs my knees so they bruise!

Not looking forward to the December days where I lay plastered to my bed because I’ve gotten my knee cut open, refurbished, re-bound.

From the looks of things, I am one of 100,000 people in Northern Arizona. Do I feel special? Maybe a little. Because I’d like to think that I’ve been given the gift of looking so deeply at everything and therefore, appreciating it for all that it is.

I looked through all my emails and found notifications about this blog. I clicked on and discovered myself a little bit. I’m just spilling all the things I’ve been meaning to say. A blog won’t save me, but I can save me. 

I’ll thank a good friend of mine, Lyn, for taking senior photos of me which I believe capture who I am so fundamentally and gorgeously.

She’s got an eye for angles. Given what we worked with, I came out with over 40 beautiful & meaningful shots.

Thank you, Northern Arizona University, for the simple and careful preservation of your north quad building. Light yellow leaves in these pictures make me a smile.

 

And anyway-

though stress is round about me like a fire, I feel alright- since I get to wake up to this beautiful town every day.

Gift-wrapping :)

Among other things, I have been preparing gifts lately. Whether it is my year-late graduation gifts for my two best friends, or a very-much-on-time birthday gift for my other half, I have refused to wrap the gifts without class. I have resorted to twine around cardboard-colored wrapping paper with various decorations. 

I tried twining two peacock feathers together and attaching a card to Michael’s gift which turned out to be very successful! It resulted in a gorgeous color scheme. For my friends’ gifts, I glued on flowers and pearls. Needless to say, I’ve attached pictures of my work. 

Naturally, I guess one of my ways of saying that I care is to give people gifts. I love receiving gifts, too-especially handwritten notes. But I’ve got to say, there’s nothing better than sitting in a clean room with a sandalwood candle burning, cello music playing, and a pile of gifts sitting& ready to be given. I’ve hit a few rough patches this summer, but nothing I haven’t been able to overcome. I’m itching to go to the outlets. Shopping just makes me happy, not really buying things, as much as seeing everything and being inspired. Malls offer free inspiration, I think. 

I realize I haven’t blogged in a few days, and I am most sorry about that. I’ve found a constant stream of thoughts to be most therapeutic. On an unrelated note, I ate a VERY spicy bowl of pasta for breakfast this morning. And for the first time ever, my mom bought me a 24-pack of AriZona tea without prompting! I was so excited. 

Nothing much is new with me, for now, except for that I realize that giving people things is just as (if not more) rewarding as receiving gifts. And my grandmother always asks me why I spend so much money on other people. It’s a sickness, one that I am not ashamed of. Because who ever criticizes someone who gives liberally to others. No one!

And that’s exactly why I never regret doing it. 

Dictionary Therapy

Today’s word is: 

ca·thar·tic /kəˈTHärtik/ : 

adjective 

1. providing psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions

ex: My conversations today with my very best friend and my boyfriend were cathartic. 

 

The word came up in conversation with Michael one time. He actually used it to describe a conversation he had with me where he spilled everything he was thinking. The great thing is, if you just talk to someone, sometimes all the feelings welled up inside will go away. The miraculous part is that they usually do not burden someone who cares about you. Talking to someone who cares just helps immensely because their listening ear provides a ventilation system for you. 

So, when I am distraught, I never fail to let it all out. Bottling up everything I am thinking is not okay. That’s kind of why I have a blog. 

IF there are any Harry Potter fans out there, I can relate these cathartic conversations to Albus Dumbledore’s Pensieve. It is a magical bowl-like object where Dumbledore can store his siphoned memories. He can then look at them without them causing him psychological fatigue. I wish I had one of those. But the best I have so far is just the listening ears of my friends and the pages of my journal. I’m not opposed to writing things down because it’s so therapeutic, it provides so much freedom of the mind. 

Anyway, I hope that if you are ever in dire need of psychological relief, you will turn to healthy channels such as talking, writing, reading or exercising (all of which, I assure you, are extremely helpful). 

I hope that you begin to engage in cathartic activities and that your mind will begin to be happy, and in turn, you spirit can be, too. ❤ 

The Health Benefits of Words & Reading

Good morning, good evening, and good night! 

Today, I’ve been really feeling the literature, the words, the pages, the books, the library, the agenda, the lists, the pens- and all associated materials and concepts. Plus, Michael mentioned something to me about Barnes and Noble, which reminded me of how much I love the smell of that store. Were it a perfume, I’d buy it. Because I’m weird like that, but I feel no shame. 

I went to the library today for the first time in over a year. It was refreshing and liberating. You see, you’re standing in front of a seemingly-endless collection of books and you can have as many as you want. That’s right: as many as you want. Free. Free information. You have no excuse for ignorance anymore, and that’s final! PS, as I write this, my hands are shaking from the iced caramel macchiato I had earlier today. 

So anyway, I started thinking that I really need to pull myself together. I started fresh with a new planner today, my list written and carefully completed throughout the day. 

Here’s a little bit about who I am, which you can derive from the books I checked out. 

I picked ‘The Checklist Manifesto’ by Atul Gawande, a surgeon/role model guy. If I research him further, I’ll probably blog about him, but for now I need to finish this new book and finish reading another novel of his called ‘Better’. It’s about work in the medical field. It is relevant to my career path. Then, I picked out a film called ‘Lincoln’. I’m sweet on Abraham Lincoln- another topic I’ll probably have to blog about. I found a couple random CD’s, as it is my constant journey to find new music. My neurons are hungry for new sound, I’m sorry Katy Perry- you are not the sound I want to hear anymore. 

Then, for my right brain appetite, I picked out a book called Decorate with Flowers- which I love flowers more than life. However, since flowers are full of life, that sentence doesn’t quite make sense, but make of it what you will. Flower and interior design are two of my little hobbies, I’d like to think. So you’ll find me reading Better Homes and Gardens, decorating magazines, and browsing Michael’s and Hobby Lobby with wonder in my eyes. How you choose to decorate your environment is so crucial. Why not have fun with it? 

I brought my little cousin and sister with me, so they could pick out books. Book reading is what turns people into geniuses, I strongly believe. The more you read, the more you write, the more you think, the more you understand and the more eloquent you become. It’s fantastic. I will, therefore, instill a passion for words in the hearts of my young friends while they are still pliable. 

When you need new ideas, new perspectives- well, books are your complaisant friends. You can reread them, you can highlight in them, write on them, tear pages out and frame the pages… you can burn them, you can even write them yourself. You can do whatever you want with books, because if you change your mind about how you feel, you can just go buy a fresh copy. I never want to be someone who has a bookshelf with unread books. That is just wrong. So wrong. 

Since this is about books and format and grammar and words, I will have a conclusion.

In conclusion,

I love books and I love reading and I love writing. Words give me wings to soar above others who choose to limit themselves to cursing and shaming other people. They are so stagnant and sad, I feel. So when you want to lose yourself and better your mind, open a book. You might be surprised that you will find yourself at home among the little ink’ed letters. 

Gorgeous guys.

I did some digging on the internet and just pasted a couple of my fave hotties. I hope you enjoy this lil ol’ collage as much as I do. I’m hoping to post more collages of ideas or concepts. Men are my favorite though. Let me know what you think! 😉 xoxo

Less is always …

Less is always more. – Coco Chanel

When putting outfits together, I always think about her famous quote that says when you find your perfect outfit, take one thing off. And that’s your perfect outfit.